Anxiety is something that is thrown out there and talked about a lot. Something that is not talked about is the fact that there are levels of anxiety.
Normal everyday anxiety is going to a job interview, a dentist appointment, heading to your first day of school, or maybe a new job. Moving to a new town or attending a conference. This type of anxiety is one that most, if not everyone, experiences at some point in their lives.
Then, there is another type of anxiety, the type I have. The one that the doctor gives you a diagnosis, maybe you go on medicine, it all depends, but this type, this one consumes your life.
This type leaves you in panic mode. It leaves you insecure. It brings you down paths that are completely unnecessary. The people around you don't understand, and you get the common "Calm down. Just relax. Everything is fine." Let me just tell you, friends, IT IS NOT FINE. And when someone says that to you, it just makes you feel unheard, maybe even stupid, maybe even leads you to stop telling people how you really feel because you know your feelings won't be acknowledged. You may stop seeking help because, hey, no one understands anyway.
Here is a picture of this type of anxiety:
I've made a new friend within the last year or so. Recently, there was a miscommunication. I thought nothing of it until today. When I went to go see her and she wasn't there. I was so excited on my way over and then, she wasn't there. My brain started to race with questions. Why wasn't she there? she should be there. Was she actually there but just avoiding me? Did she see me coming and run?
Then came panic.
Oh no, she's mad at me. Why didn't I fix this sooner? Why didn't I reach out before? (To be honest, I didn't think it was a big deal until now.) Let me send her a message on Instagram.
OMG! She's not following me anymore! Omg, she is so mad at me. This is it. She is never going to want to talk to me again. I ruined it. I can't believe I ruined it. Why didn't I do something sooner? Well, because I didn't think she would be so mad.
I sent her back a follow request. Then I check Facebook; wait, we are still friends on there. Oh no! Did I accidentally unfriend her the other day while cleaning my socials up? How could I be so stupid? Maybe she thinks I am mad at her. Oh no, Oh no.
Then comes the negative self-talk.
Stupid you Michelle. You always fuck things up. What is wrong with you? You could have done better. Dumbass.
Send her a text, ya that will be a good idea.
I send her a text. I wait for an immediate reply.
Nothing.
I send a message on Facebook. Um, hi stop stalking her! Ya, I can't. Here comes crazy.
I wait for another 58 minutes before she replies. A nice, sweet response. The normal way we talk to each other. Whew! I can stop planning my demise in this friendship and in life.
See my friends, this is what the other side of anxiety looks like. I hate to even admit that my mind goes so out of control and that my immediate response is, oh no I fucked up and oh by the way, everyone hates you. But it does and sadly, I know I am not alone.
I know I am not perfect, by any means and I will NEVER claim to be. I make bad choices, I set goals that I don't achieve, I make a million changes a week and I can't see to focus on just one thing, but overall, I still consider myself a good person. I want great things for everyone and I want kindness in the world. I want everyone to choose happy in their everyday lives. But the reality is, that so many of us are trapped in this spiral. I have read many things about anxiety and how to recover from it. I have three books in particular that I loved "From Panic to Power", "The Five Second Rule", and "There's Nothing to Fix". These books have changed me for the better in so many ways. I still use strategies from them and even more so, It is proof that I am not alone and I need to keep fighting to work through this battle. They also give me hope that it won't be like this forever. There is more to life, and time to move on and be free.
I hope that this inspires you too. Whether it be for you or someone you love. Know that you are not alone.
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