I have struggled for quite some time about what my "thing" is. What is my niche? I have been teaching for so long I just assumed that is has to be my thing. However, there is so much more to be than being a teacher. I am also a mother, sister, wife, and most importantly, a woman.
I am a woman who has been broken, damaged, abused, traumatized and divorced. As a result, I have suffered anxiety, depression and two attempts of suicide. My last attempt was back when I was 16 years old. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for self mutilation. The last time for that was about six years ago. I never wanted do it as a mother but I relapsed and it happened.
It pains me to admit all this. To even write it out. The thought that I may actually hit the publish button and share these thoughts with the world is so utterly and completely scary it makes me literally feel sick. That is why I know I need to do it. I know that I can't be alone. I know that there is another mother out there also hiding these experiences and feelings and keeps them all to herself because she too feels the shame and anxiety of sharing them with the word. The judgment she knows will come her way.
For me, my biggest fear, is that the students I have taught will think less of me. That their parents won't want me to teach them or be near them anymore. That they will shut me out, ignore, yell at me for thinking I had the right to teach their children. When I know that I am a great teacher and I would never hurt their children. The fear is still there. And the worst fear is having their sympathy. I don't need sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I want understanding and awareness.
There is so much more to people on the inside. There is so much more that we don't share with each other. There is so much more to our lives that some of us don't share with anyone.
I have always wanted to help other people. That is my "thing" or my "niche". Sharing my experiences and what I have learned along the way will be how I can help someone else.
If there is any purpose to this blog, It will be to help one other mother out there who is struggling. One mother who is so afraid to tell the world her story. I see you. I understand the fear. I understand the shame. I understand the pain. I want you to know you are not alone and that you deserve to be here. Harming yourself is never the right answer even though it may feel that way.
I want you to know there is hope and coping skills you can develop to feel better. So stick around and hear about my journey. I am ready to share. I'm ready to show you what I have learned to live a better life. To choose to be happy in a world full of chaos.
This is about being real, not perfect. If you are ready for that kind of honesty, then stick around. I can't promise there won't be tears or a perfect forever, but I can promise, honesty, laughter, growth!
